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With a little prodding from the wife, it looks like I'm firing up the old blog again, and this time she's helping out with the posts. So all of you devoted readers who've been checking my blog every day for the past year and a half only to find no new posts, your effort has finally paid off.
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I honestly believe I killed every bug in South Carolina last night on my way home from Thanksgiving dinner:
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For quite a while now I've felt a certain disdain for news anchors, radio "personalities," and sportscasters. These people are paid to run their mouth constantly so as to alleviate the typical American's fear of silence (which apparently is called sedatephobia, I've just learned), so naturally, since there's really not that much interesting to say on any subject for hours on end, they can become quite annoying in a short amount of time. Radio personalities are just useless, especially the ones who come in twos and go by their first names (bonus points if their names make them sound like dumb rednecks); these guys tend to sing songs about flatulence and the like and usually clog up your local record store's comedy section with albums named after female genitalia. News anchors probably bother me the least, but they definitely annoy me when they break character and start straying from the teleprompter; nothing's worse than seeing a news anchor try to tell a lame joke about a green puppy, then segue into a story about suicide bombers. Or so I thought. Tonight while football was on my TV (I hesitate to say I was watching it, since I had been reading a book during the game), a sportscaster made the same fatal mistake of telling a joke. Unlike the news anchor, however, the problem wasn't that the joke was unfunny, but rather this sportscaster's overestimation of the intellect of his fellow sportscasters who then attempted to expound on that joke with an even funnier one. Here's how it went down:
Sportscaster 1: "I'm going to make a guess here. You could count on less than one hand the number of balls the Steelers are going to throw..."
giggling ensues
Sportscaster 2: "You could probably count them on less than one finger!"
Now there's no better way to kill a joke than by trying to explain it, but I figured this one's already rigor mortis by now anyway so no harm done. You see, the first sportscaster was trying to say that the number of balls the Steelers would throw was zero, hence the ability to count them on less than one hand, or no hands if you will. However, apparently the second sportscaster was thinking of the type of no hand that has at least one finger, so he felt it best to correct the first sportscaster by saying one could count on less than one finger the number of balls thrown, which would eliminate all doubt that the number was zero. And the comedic genius that is the sportscaster strikes again.
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Here is a recent dialog between my wife Marjorie and the woman at the register where I got my oil changed this weekend. Now I know how it feels to face a master typist. I feel so humbled.
Marjorie: Here you go [hands her the receipt]
Register Woman: That'll be $28.34. What are you paying with?
Marjorie: Credit card.
RW: Do you want to do debit or credit? [Takes the card]
Marjorie: Oh, you can do it as debit.
RW: Okay, enter your PIN.
[Marjorie enters PIN. Silence ensues.]
RW: Did you push the green button?
Marjorie: Oh, no [pushes green button]
RW: What's on the Enter button of every keyboard?
Marjorie: Um...[looks blankly]
Me: Are you talking about the arrow?
RW: That's on every keyboard [She points to the green button]. It means Enter.
Me: Yeah, that's from the old days of the typewriter when it was the Return key, indicating that it returns the carriage to the next...
RW: [Holds up her nasty-ass computer keyboard] See? It's on the Enter button.
Me: Yeah, I know, I...[I begin to say something about how I work with computers every day, then give up]
Marjorie: Thanks [Takes receipt]
[RW goes back to reading her romance novel from the 80's]
End of scene.
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They're back! The two posts from the past that you know and love! I was able to search through Firefox's internet cache on one of my computers and salvage my first two posts (my web host decided my database tables weren't good enough for their servers and deleted them). This will teach me to make backups, or at least make me say "I should have made a backup of my data" the next time this happens.
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Well isn't this just wonderful...one day into my brand new blog, and my web host decides to wipe out my database. They said that my database tables were in the wrong format and that they didn't have backups, so I'm pretty much out of luck. If anyone can remember my previous two posts verbatim, feel free to e-mail them to me so I can put them back up. Otherwise I'll have to hunt around my computer and see if the pages are still in my web cache. So where was I...
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 Oh yeah, remember in my last post I said something about getting "back" to the Internet(s)? While I was in high school and college, I had a personal web site with AOL. It's gone now that I no longer have an AOL account, but I was able to dredge up some remains of it on archive.org. What you'll see there was pretty much the last iteration of the site before I got a job doing web development professionally and gave up the "doing it for fun" thing for a while. I like the part in my bio page that says I'm still really active in my church (some things change), and that I have a wonderful girlfriend named Marjorie (some things don't; she's now my wife). It's amazing that almost every word and image posted on the Internet gets archived these days. I'm just glad I never posted nude photos (NSFW) of myself. Link: What's left of my old web site
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 Well, it's time I got back on this thing called the Internets. Yes, I know, you're thinking, "it's called the Internet, you stupid idiot, not the Internets...only a total moron would call it the Internets," but I figure if Al Gore can invent the Internet, then George W. Bush is allowed to rename it. Anyway, this is my first blog post on my new personal blog. I've been posting a while to my other blog, Idiometry, but I decided that examining American idioms just didn't exhibit my massive sense of self-importance like a personal blog does. Of course, I feel a little late to the party with this whole personal blog thing (ooh, I sense a new post to Idiometry), but I figure I might as well get in on it now before the next big fad (which, by the way, I predict will have something to do with cranial implants and shiny space-suits). Anyway, I hope to cover such light and controversy-free subjects such as politics, religion, and puppy-kicking...okay, maybe not puppy-kicking so much, but probably the other two. I'll also probably write the occasional, obligatory movie review, video game review, potato chip review, or anything else I deem myself qualified to review while ignoring the fact I have no real experience or education in those areas. So, I know this isn't the greatest blog post you've ever read, but I promise you, it'll get better. Pinky swear.
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