 Sorry, Dover, Pennsylvania. You're screwed. Pat Robertson decreed today that because of your refusal to teach that the world began with a talking snake and a woman made out of a guy's rib as scientific fact, God has turned His back on you. And don't bother crawling back to the Lord during the next natural disaster, either; after all, "you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because he might not be there." On the other hand, Kansas, you have decided to let God into your science classes, and for that, you're off the hook. The next time one of your cities is leveled by one of God's tornadoes, which should be next Tuesday if my research is correct, feel free to pray away. God knows you need it.
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When Ashley Smith, the woman held hostage by Brian Nicolas after Nicolas shot and killed several people at an Atlanta courthouse, claimed that she convinced Nicolas to turn himself in after sharing God and The Purpose-Driven Life, many religious groups and media outlets rallied around Smith and this apparently miraculous work of literature. Now, months later, Smith reveals in her new book "Unlikely Angel" that Jesus wasn't the only thing she shared with Nicolas; she apparently gave him a little crystal meth, too. Apparently Smith herself suffered from drug addiction, having been in and out of rehab several times in the past. Armed with this new information, I wonder how many of the religious folks who praised Smith and "The Purpose-Driven Life" will now speak of the wonders of methamphetamine and its ability to show people the error of their ways. Smith herself has even claimed that God spoke to her while she was driving under the influence of drugs; God told her to let go of the steering wheel, which she did, causing her car to crash. Unlikely Angel indeed.
Link: CNN.com: Smith gave alleged courthouse shooter drugs
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The Vatican is now preparing a document which will ban gay priests, even if they are celibate. Since the 1970's, Catholics, unlike other even more intolerant sects of Christianity (such as the Baptists, who believe homosexuality is a choice and that gays can be converted to heterosexuals), believe that homosexuality is a true orientataion, and the real sin is the homogenital act. Just like it is a sin for two heterosexuals to engage in sex without the possiblity of procreation, it is a sin for two homosexuals to engage in sex because no procreation can take place. Okay, all this makes a little more sense than the Baptists' logic, but the new ban of homosexuals from the priesthood still has me a bit confused. It seems as if the Vatican is saying that it is okay for heterosexual men who are heterosexuals by nature to be attracted to women but not act on the attraction, but it is not okay for homosexual men who are homosexual by nature to be attracted to men while not acting on that attraction. Because Catholicism does not make the distinction between homosexual acts and heterosexual acts without the possibility of procreation, where does this logic come from? Apparently the document is really meant to address not the problem of homosexual acts between a priest and another consenting adult, but to address the recent epidemic of child molestation in the priesthood. The scientific community repeatedly publishes studies that show homosexuality and pedophelia have no link, yet the Catholic church seemingly does not make this distinction. My opinion has always been that the disproportionate number of gays and child molesters in the priesthood can be explained by the nature of the priesthood itself. If a man finds himself attracted to other men or young boys, what can he do to avoid these temptations? What better closet to hide in than the priesthood, where it is forbidden by God to act on those temptations. Of course, the threat of God's wrath still doesn't always overcome one's immediate biological and sexual urges, so acts of child molestation do occur in the priesthood. All of this gay-bashing by the Catholic church seems to me to be a misdirected effort to curb child molestation in the priesthood, yet only further proves to me the rampant contradictions still present in even the most progressive forms of Christianity and the futility of reconciling ancient "holy" documents like the Bible with the complexity of the modern world.
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 Short post today; it's late and a bit past my bedtime. I just wanted to quickly inform everyone of one of the most horribly wonderful shows on TV: Bibleman. Conceived by the comedic genius Willie Aames of "Charles in Charge" fame, the show chronicles the adventures of Bibleman and his trusty token sidekick Cypher as they battle evil with bad acting and even worse costumes. If you get a chance, do check this show out; it comes on at 1 PM Eastern Time on TBN (you know, the network with all the crying people and the woman with the purple make-up). I'm not sure if I'd rather watch this show or a flash animation of Kirk Cameron telling me I'm going to hell.
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While I've been sitting around waiting for Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Drizzle Ophelia to finally make landfall, I was thinking about all the prayer that has probably been going on recently among religious circles. Judging from the track of the storm, it looks like it's either going to hit South Carolina or North Carolina, which leads me to believe there's a "prayer war" of sorts going on between the two states. I would imagine that people from both states are praying that the hurricane doesn't hit their house, but as is the nature of hurricanes, it's not just going to simply disappear. After all, God stopped doing magic tricks miracles a couple thousand years ago. This leaves God up to making a nasty decision: whose lives to bestow his mercy upon, and whose lives to make a living hell for the next six months while they rebuild their roofs and make auto insurance claims for that Suburu with the new tree for a hood ornament. Of course, being the software engineer that I am, I would think that with the repetitive and complicated task of answering prayers, God would have some kind of heavenly IT staff to make this thing automated. I mean, it would be ridiculous to think that God would answer prayers on a whim, right? There has to be some predictable outcome based on a set of parameters, or else the whole thing would seem rather random, or at least somewhat capricious on God's part. So I've come up with an algorithm on which I believe this simple choice, hitting South Carolina or North Carolina with a hurricane, could possibly be made. The following is a formula for calculating each state's Weather/Prayer Index, or WPI:
WPI = (((((population of area * number of prayers) * (number of republicans / number of democrats) - number of sins committed in last 90 days) * number of abortions committed in last 90 days) - number of black people^2) / (number of baptists - number of catholics)) * Pat Robertson
Whoever has the highest WPI is spared, and the loser becomes the next Sodom and Gomorra. And you thought prayer was all fairies and unicorns. Silly you.
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